Our little one decided not to stick around....

Friday came in as a beautiful sunny day which turned cloudy rather quickly....at least where I was. I talked to Kari early in the morning to see if she had her blood work drawn yet.

The blood work that would tell us if our little one was growing inside of her.

The blood work that would tell us if all the tears we shed and dreams we had would come to fruition.

She had already had it drawn and was getting ready to call the hospital for results. Another benefit to knowing the residents and docs at the hospital, they could check your lab results quicker than your office usually could get them.


Negative.....


Negative.............


Negative...........................


A word that I have come to love during my walk with cancer now echoed in my ears over and over and over again....negaitive......

Now what, where do we go from here, what do we do, how do I feel......

Not again, not another loss, not another baby that slipped through our fingers and stayed out of our reach no matter how hard we scrambled to grab hold.....

The Dr had told us our chances were pretty slim and we just knew he was wrong!! Why wouldn't he be?? He had doubted from the beginning....not in so many words but in warnings he gave us to not get our hopes up.


Negative.............................................


He had doubted that I would ever come out of menopause, menopause that was brought on by all the treatments that worked to save my life while it killed the possible dream of another.

Once I proved him wrong with that he warned that I would probably not have good hormone levels for a good cycle.....wrong again....

Finally, he told me that IF I produced an egg, and IF it actually fertilized, and IF it continued to grow then our chances were slim of maintaining a pregnancy.....

I more than surpassed the three big IF's why couldn't we overcome that last prophecy that echoed from his mouth?

Is this God saying that I again have tried to take things into my own hands when I pretty much made the doc attempt with this cycle? Is this His way of saying, "Traci, I have brought you this far and now you need to lay back in my arms and let me bring you the rest of the way in MY time."?

Why do I have such a hard time giving up control of this? Is it because it feels as if I have had to fight every step of the way for people to believe with me that this will ever happen?

Hmmmmm..................

I am tired....

I am heartbroken.......

I am sad.....................

But, I trust Him enough to say, "okay Lord, I will lay this down at your feet and let you have it back. I am sorry I wrestled it away from you and doubted where you were leading me. Your will Lord, not mine...."

Tonight I will fall asleep with visions of what could have been in my mind but also with the dreams of what might be....

Good night all....