Another obstacle to overcome

Kari, of course, feels as if she is a big failure. She feels as if she is the weakest link in this fragile chain! How I have always seen it is she is the strongest one! She is the one who is so selflessly offering up her body for us! She is the one who is subjecting her body to these awful shots to prep her for OUR baby! Subjecting herself to all the discomforts that come with pregnancy and of course the labor and delivery! Her husband is the one who is subjecting himself to a period of time he can't even have "natural relations" with his wife because of the risk it would have on OUR baby!! And mind you I am not speaking of a day or two but up to 10 weeks!! The weakest link? I think not!!

I am the weak link here--- the one whose body has betrayed her and not only allowed a beast to take over it, but forced me to have to not only let myself be sliced and diced but poisoned and cooked. The medical profession likes to refer to these as-- mastectomy, latissimus dorsi flap (cutting part of your back muscle and tunneling it under your arm to help replace that traitorous breast), chemotherapy and radiation.

Weak link? The weak link here was my immune system which allowed malignant cells to continue to grow without checking them and taking care of them. Why? We will never know that answer, unfortunately.....

Now, I have had another consult with the Dr who holds the only hope I have of having another biological child in his hands. His words keep echoing in my ears, "I don't recommend trying again." don't recommend, don't recommend.... But wait, my oncologist said it was fine to do it one more time!! Granted, I didn't speak directly to him even though I had wanted to but his nurse assurred me that he had no reservations. I had wanted to hear the tone of his voice when he responded to my request, I had wanted to see his body language and know that he didn't start his answer out with, "well....." That to me would have been an absolute and resounding NO!! I don't want anyone to have a bit hesitation that this is the right thing to do. I don't want any fear going into this. I know that me being off the Tamoxifen for a period of time is already somewhat risky. I have to have faith that God's hand is in this! He has opened so many doors and led us to all the right people. There is NO way He has not been involved.

What now.....

How do I convince the Dr we should try once again.....

Should I try to convince him??????

;sigh;

I convinced him to let us at least test my hormone levels over the next two cycles and if they come back within normal ranges he said he MIGHT reconsider...what does that mean...is he just placating me? Just giving me more time to come to terms with the fact that this isn't going to happen? I trust his judgment so much that is why we chose to use this particular Dr. My only concern is that the decisions he is making are based on the wrong information.

I think I need to schedule a conference with my oncologist and him. This way all questions will be answered once and for all and we can make a final decision. Even if it isn't the one that I want it to be, we will abide with what they say.

I keep looking at my little boy and know I want to be here for him forever!!! I want to meet his first girlfriend, see him go to prom, graduate from high school and get married. I want to hold my grandchildren in my arms and love on them as I love on my son now. But, there are no guarantees in life now for me. I promised myself I would do everything to keep myself healthy but I also want my son to have a sibling to have by his side for the rest of his life. So when it is my turn to go home to my maker and Eric joins me eventually or I him, Cameron will have family that will remain with him. Is this selfish on my part? Am I trying to become immortal by having another child? Am I lying to myself about why I want to do this?

Often I will sit and go over all of this and pray about if it is worth it....

is it worth the risk?

is it worth the worry?

The answer that always comes back from my prayers about this is


YES!! YES!! YES!!


So, how can I second guess the blessings that God has already bestowed upon me through this whole journey. The doors and windows he has opened, the wonderful people he has brought into our lives?

I can't, I just have to lean on Him and lay it at His feet and use all my will power to not pick it back up thinking that maybe I should lend a helping hand to get things going......

Your will God, not mine......