I'm so sorry I lied to you....

November 6th- surgery to have a port placed and then off to start chemotherapy......my life had now become a living hell where everything appeared in grayscale and the only glimpse of living color was when my little boy smiled that oh so sweet smile of his....will I be here to see that smile grow from that cute little baby smile to a handsome grown man smile? That question echoed in my head daily, hourly, sometimes every waking moment was filled with that question.....
 
I wrote this in one of my first posts into the blogging world and as I go back and read it I realize that it isn't the absolute truth...Oh, I didn't lie to you on purpose, more like I didn't tell you the whole story.  The part that isn't the complete truth is that my WHOLE life didn't become a living hell, not even my whole journey through treatment, it just felt as if it was going to remain in that "grayscale" world forever at first.  It didn't though....So, I am going to pick up from this point and see if I can get some more of this journey written. 

To pick this story up I need to back track a bit. 

I was referred to a couple different Oncologists following my mastectomy but there were a few things that I needed to know about them before I wanted to waste time meeting with them.  I knew that my surgeon was a strong Christian woman and as I have already shared in another post, my midwife was one also.  This was one thing that was very important to me.  I wanted someone who had the same beliefs as me taking care of me and helping me to make difficult decisions.  How do you go about finding out if a Dr is a Christian?  Since I have never been one to mince words I decided to be straight forward and just ask :-)  I called the office's of a few of them and asked!!  I'm not sure what they thought of me when I asked this of them....a few of the nurse's that I spoke with were taken back a bit and were actually speechless.  A few understood why I was asking and tried to tell me "without really telling me" because they weren't sure if they should.  Finally I called my surgeon and just told her I wanted to be referred to a Christian Dr!!  She gave me a name immediately and it just so happens to have been the name my OBGYN had given me so that made me feel good. 

This particular Dr was very very popular and was so booked up that we needed to meet with him before his office even opened up.  Eric and I took Cameron to my mother in laws and headed over.  As we sat in the office waiting for the Dr I kept thinking....this man is the one that is going to pump my body full of poison...this man is the one who will attempt to save my life by pumping me full of poison....poison....poison......poison....

I just couldn't get that word out of my head...poison...isn't that something that you keep up high on the top shelf or behind locked doors so your little ones wouldn't get at it?  Something you don't want to come in contact with?  Here I was ready to hear what TYPE of poison this man thought I should purposely put into my body to try to save my life.  Ironic....

Dr Campbell walked into the room and I like him almost instantly.  He was not overbearing, not arrogant, not cold or removed from the situation.  (I later found out that he himself is also a survivor!)  He sat down with us and took as much time as we needed to explain why he thought we should do what he was purposing,  telling us that he wanted to use not one type of poison but 4 different types.  His explanation was that he wanted to be very aggressive because of my age.  That he wanted to make sure that whatever cells drug A didn't kill drug B would and whatever B didn't get, C would and whatever C didn't, D would...  you get the picture. 

Well, here we go, when do we start?  IMMEDIATELY!!!  It had almost been three weeks since my mastectomy and the Dr didn't like waiting more than a month so time was of the essence.  We had to have a port put in first and then chemo immediately after that.   UGH, another surgery and then CHEMO!!!!  I hated that word!  It was a frightening word, one that sent chills down my spine and made my heart feel as if it couldn't beat any faster if I was running a marathon.  One that pushed me beyond anxiety to feel true unadulterated terror.  A terror that makes your breath catch in your throat, a terror that makes you feel as if you can't breath....I was about to start chemo and I was terrified.