OK, we are back to "Topless";^) in Grand Haven

This is 3 months after my last chemo treatment with my 2 year old Cameron. Again, at our favorite place the beach!! 

My two main men!!!

Here are my two main men at our favorite place to be in the summer, the beach!!! Gotta love those wet suits ;^) 

My little "Dutch" boy :-)

Here is my little Cameron at 2 years old in a traditional Dutch costume. He is the perfect little Dutch boy with his blue eyes and blonde hair, just like his daddy. 

I'm so sorry I lied to you....

November 6th- surgery to have a port placed and then off to start chemotherapy......my life had now become a living hell where everything appeared in grayscale and the only glimpse of living color was when my little boy smiled that oh so sweet smile of his....will I be here to see that smile grow from that cute little baby smile to a handsome grown man smile? That question echoed in my head daily, hourly, sometimes every waking moment was filled with that question.....
 
I wrote this in one of my first posts into the blogging world and as I go back and read it I realize that it isn't the absolute truth...Oh, I didn't lie to you on purpose, more like I didn't tell you the whole story.  The part that isn't the complete truth is that my WHOLE life didn't become a living hell, not even my whole journey through treatment, it just felt as if it was going to remain in that "grayscale" world forever at first.  It didn't though....So, I am going to pick up from this point and see if I can get some more of this journey written. 

To pick this story up I need to back track a bit. 

I was referred to a couple different Oncologists following my mastectomy but there were a few things that I needed to know about them before I wanted to waste time meeting with them.  I knew that my surgeon was a strong Christian woman and as I have already shared in another post, my midwife was one also.  This was one thing that was very important to me.  I wanted someone who had the same beliefs as me taking care of me and helping me to make difficult decisions.  How do you go about finding out if a Dr is a Christian?  Since I have never been one to mince words I decided to be straight forward and just ask :-)  I called the office's of a few of them and asked!!  I'm not sure what they thought of me when I asked this of them....a few of the nurse's that I spoke with were taken back a bit and were actually speechless.  A few understood why I was asking and tried to tell me "without really telling me" because they weren't sure if they should.  Finally I called my surgeon and just told her I wanted to be referred to a Christian Dr!!  She gave me a name immediately and it just so happens to have been the name my OBGYN had given me so that made me feel good. 

This particular Dr was very very popular and was so booked up that we needed to meet with him before his office even opened up.  Eric and I took Cameron to my mother in laws and headed over.  As we sat in the office waiting for the Dr I kept thinking....this man is the one that is going to pump my body full of poison...this man is the one who will attempt to save my life by pumping me full of poison....poison....poison......poison....

I just couldn't get that word out of my head...poison...isn't that something that you keep up high on the top shelf or behind locked doors so your little ones wouldn't get at it?  Something you don't want to come in contact with?  Here I was ready to hear what TYPE of poison this man thought I should purposely put into my body to try to save my life.  Ironic....

Dr Campbell walked into the room and I like him almost instantly.  He was not overbearing, not arrogant, not cold or removed from the situation.  (I later found out that he himself is also a survivor!)  He sat down with us and took as much time as we needed to explain why he thought we should do what he was purposing,  telling us that he wanted to use not one type of poison but 4 different types.  His explanation was that he wanted to be very aggressive because of my age.  That he wanted to make sure that whatever cells drug A didn't kill drug B would and whatever B didn't get, C would and whatever C didn't, D would...  you get the picture. 

Well, here we go, when do we start?  IMMEDIATELY!!!  It had almost been three weeks since my mastectomy and the Dr didn't like waiting more than a month so time was of the essence.  We had to have a port put in first and then chemo immediately after that.   UGH, another surgery and then CHEMO!!!!  I hated that word!  It was a frightening word, one that sent chills down my spine and made my heart feel as if it couldn't beat any faster if I was running a marathon.  One that pushed me beyond anxiety to feel true unadulterated terror.  A terror that makes your breath catch in your throat, a terror that makes you feel as if you can't breath....I was about to start chemo and I was terrified.

One of my wonderful SISTAH's

Hello all, so sorry I have been scarce recently.  I have been working so many hours trying to prepare for my sister to fly in from California for a wonderful 3 week visit.  I am trying to work all my hours this and last week so I can have 2 1/2 weeks off.  UGH!!!!  Makes me remember why I don't work full-time...I miss my boys :-(

On to the subject at hand.  One of my Sister's in Survivorship is doing a wonderful wonderful thing.  She is taking part in a Blog-a-thon to raise money for The Young Survival Coalition.  She is blogging for 24 hours, once every 30 minutes...YIKES!!!!  And I thought I spent a lot of time on the computer ;^)  Think Pink is the name of her blog and she has such a way with words that you just HAVE to visit and read a bit and maybe pledge a bit also.  Make sure you have a box of kleenex near though because you will cry, I promise. 

This sistah is the same one who put the request in as to what is behind *Sozo*.  I told her I planned on dedicating a whole blog to that and still plan on doing it but for now I will tell you a small part of it.

While I was going through my journey of breast cancer, I met a fellow survivor on another site.  She was going to change her name to Sozo legally.  Sozo is a word from the original language of the Bible that means "healed and made whole".  This one small little word signifies what my entire life post diagnosis has been about.  Since the day of my surgery when I had those traitorous cells taken from me along with my breast, I started the journey of being healed and made whole.  Sounds strange I know since I was now missing a breast, but life is strange.  It was a long journey and not one that they have any flyers at travel agencies for, but one that I am glad I was able to take.  Don't get me wrong!!!  I would never have signed up for this trip in a million years but once on this road I found a strength and love that I never knew was out there. 

A strength that I never knew I possessed and a love (from family, friends and mostly my husband, Eric) that I could feel every day of my life.  I felt it surround me daily and lift me up when I couldn't do it on my own.   I also met some of the most wonderful friends that I could ever imagine having.  They along with my family help to make me WHOLE!!!  They help complete me in a way that I never knew existed..........

Okay, now I am in need of those tissues I warned you about!  I must go and get to work but I promise to post more about Sozo and the full meaning. 

Have a great weekend!! 

Are you wondering about my address?

When I started this blog I named it "The Most Precious Gift Of All". I started it to keep a journal about this amazing journey that we embarked on called, surrogacy. I started it to keep a "journal" for our future child/ren so they could see how much they were wanted and how much Kari did for us all.

I changed the name of the blog but not the address because both suit it so well. "Precious Gift" not only refers to what Kari and her family are doing for us but also what God has done in our lives.

He gave me the precious gift of

my husband.....
my son......
His son......
my health.....
my friends......
my SISTAH'S......
my strength.....
my sanity......

I could go on and on but I am sure you get the idea. During those initial days after I was diagnosed, everyone was amazed at how "well" we were doing. Amazed at how "well" we were handling the news and the plans for treatment. A new sister of mine's husband wrote that people would ask questions like, "If she has cancer, why does everyone look so happy?". I remember hearing from close friends that some people thought we were like ostrich's. Hiding our heads in the sand.....having too much faith (is that even possible?). All of this because we chose to believe and trust in our Lord through this trial. Because we knew I was going to be OK and if I wasn't, God would give us the strength to deal with it at that time.

I was asked to talk to some "big wig" possible investors at our local Gilda's Club They wanted a few of the members to explain to them what Gilda's meant to us. I told them that Gilda's was a place I could go to and be "normal". Out in the "real world" everyone looked at me and either had pity in their eyes or a big question mark. At Gilda's everyone had been touched by cancer in some way and it didn't make you stand out!! I told them that I could easily go and sit in a corner and cry- that wouldn't be very hard at all, but I had a husband and son who needed me to function normally. They needed a wife and mother around, we needed life to go on as normally as possible. Gilda's gave me a place to be "normal", if that makes any sense. We had to make a decision if we were going to let this run our lives or if we were going to be the ones in charge. We chose to be in charge, nothing more, nothing less.

So, back to the name change.....

Once I started this blog I found that my whole cancer journey and survival was so intertwined into my everyday life. It was the whole reason for needing Kari in the first place. So, I changed the name to something that made more of a reference to my DAILY walk with cancer. Pink is the color of the breast cancer awareness ribbon you see. Everything that has to do with breast cancer has some shade of pink in/on/about it. I used to hate the color pink!!! Wouldn't wear it if it was the only thing I was offered to wear....blah!!!! Now, I have come to LOVE it. I even bought a beautiful pink outfit the other day that I can't wait to wear :-)

So, that is why I changed the name but kept the address the same....they both are so appropriate and fit this blog to a "T"!!!

Have a great day.

My first lab result came back....

Well, my first lab result came back and it was too high!! I don't understand this! I know that my body has been recovering from the medicine it was given because I can feel it! My hot flashes have been gone for months and I am actually sleeping again for the first time in 4 years!

I spoke with my regular Dr and asked him about my concerns. He agreed with me that the Tamoxifen certainly helped keep my body shut down! I don't understand why my other Dr doesn't see any connection! I tried to explain to him but I don't want to insult him either.

My regular Dr agreed that I should have a conference between my RE (reproductive endocronologist) and my Oncologist. I think we need to get to the bottom of this. If after that he still thinks my body has been damaged too much by the chemo then we will make a decision.

I just wish it was an easy decision to make.....

Another obstacle to overcome

Kari, of course, feels as if she is a big failure. She feels as if she is the weakest link in this fragile chain! How I have always seen it is she is the strongest one! She is the one who is so selflessly offering up her body for us! She is the one who is subjecting her body to these awful shots to prep her for OUR baby! Subjecting herself to all the discomforts that come with pregnancy and of course the labor and delivery! Her husband is the one who is subjecting himself to a period of time he can't even have "natural relations" with his wife because of the risk it would have on OUR baby!! And mind you I am not speaking of a day or two but up to 10 weeks!! The weakest link? I think not!!

I am the weak link here--- the one whose body has betrayed her and not only allowed a beast to take over it, but forced me to have to not only let myself be sliced and diced but poisoned and cooked. The medical profession likes to refer to these as-- mastectomy, latissimus dorsi flap (cutting part of your back muscle and tunneling it under your arm to help replace that traitorous breast), chemotherapy and radiation.

Weak link? The weak link here was my immune system which allowed malignant cells to continue to grow without checking them and taking care of them. Why? We will never know that answer, unfortunately.....

Now, I have had another consult with the Dr who holds the only hope I have of having another biological child in his hands. His words keep echoing in my ears, "I don't recommend trying again." don't recommend, don't recommend.... But wait, my oncologist said it was fine to do it one more time!! Granted, I didn't speak directly to him even though I had wanted to but his nurse assurred me that he had no reservations. I had wanted to hear the tone of his voice when he responded to my request, I had wanted to see his body language and know that he didn't start his answer out with, "well....." That to me would have been an absolute and resounding NO!! I don't want anyone to have a bit hesitation that this is the right thing to do. I don't want any fear going into this. I know that me being off the Tamoxifen for a period of time is already somewhat risky. I have to have faith that God's hand is in this! He has opened so many doors and led us to all the right people. There is NO way He has not been involved.

What now.....

How do I convince the Dr we should try once again.....

Should I try to convince him??????

;sigh;

I convinced him to let us at least test my hormone levels over the next two cycles and if they come back within normal ranges he said he MIGHT reconsider...what does that mean...is he just placating me? Just giving me more time to come to terms with the fact that this isn't going to happen? I trust his judgment so much that is why we chose to use this particular Dr. My only concern is that the decisions he is making are based on the wrong information.

I think I need to schedule a conference with my oncologist and him. This way all questions will be answered once and for all and we can make a final decision. Even if it isn't the one that I want it to be, we will abide with what they say.

I keep looking at my little boy and know I want to be here for him forever!!! I want to meet his first girlfriend, see him go to prom, graduate from high school and get married. I want to hold my grandchildren in my arms and love on them as I love on my son now. But, there are no guarantees in life now for me. I promised myself I would do everything to keep myself healthy but I also want my son to have a sibling to have by his side for the rest of his life. So when it is my turn to go home to my maker and Eric joins me eventually or I him, Cameron will have family that will remain with him. Is this selfish on my part? Am I trying to become immortal by having another child? Am I lying to myself about why I want to do this?

Often I will sit and go over all of this and pray about if it is worth it....

is it worth the risk?

is it worth the worry?

The answer that always comes back from my prayers about this is


YES!! YES!! YES!!


So, how can I second guess the blessings that God has already bestowed upon me through this whole journey. The doors and windows he has opened, the wonderful people he has brought into our lives?

I can't, I just have to lean on Him and lay it at His feet and use all my will power to not pick it back up thinking that maybe I should lend a helping hand to get things going......

Your will God, not mine......