This is New Year's Eve- Our 10 year anniversary!! We celebrated it at the restaurant (an old Victorian mansion) were we had our wedding reception. 

This is me and my husband, son, and pooch, Eric, Cameron and Gypsy. Christmas 2004 on our front porch. 

On Eagles Wings....

I lost another sister this weekend to this awful disease! I am just sitting here still in such a funk that it has happened again and knowing that this won't be the last time I mourn a loss like this. As I am sitting here at my computer desk in my office, I am gazing out the window watching two eagles soaring on the winter wind that is blowing so coldly outside.

I am sitting here thinking, how beautiful, how beautiful and graceful they are as they find just the perfect wind to lift them up and push them higher and higher. They look as if they are floating, mid air, held up by something invisible, maybe a string held by God Himself. They look so peaceful and joyous and then in the next breath they look as if they are being cast towards the earth as if that string were cut or God's fury itself were forcing them down and they will surely crash only to catch another gust of wind and be lifted even higher yet.

This is the same freezing cold, -7 windchill, wind that I cursed at this morning going to pick my son up from school. The same wind that felt as if it was going to overcome the power and weight of my car and blow me right off the road. The same wind that bit at the skin on my face painfully bringing tears to my eyes....

Then it hit me....this is it...this is how something can be so painful so agonizing and so overpowering, and, at the same time, be so beautiful, graceful and joyous.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing beautiful or joyous about losing another sister! But in the pain and agony of this loss, I see the beauty of who she was, the gracefulness of how she lived and the joy of all she gave to us. I see how she took the winds of the storm of her life and used them to push her higher and higher. How when she would get cast down towards the ground as if she would crash she would just catch another wonderful gust of wind and let it lift her even higher than before. No matter how cold, how painful, how torturous or agonizing that wind was, she used it to push herself on, higher and higher and higher.

Well my sweet sweet sister, I will think of you each and every time I see those eagles soaring on the wind. I will remember your strength, your beauty, and your wonderful words. I know that you are with Hilary, Mylette and Dana right now soaring joyously pain and disease free. Godspeed my sweet sweet sister. I will miss you so but I will never forget all you taught me and I will strive to be like you and use the cold cold winds from the storms in my life to soar.....

Hil and Traci Fall of 2000 with hair ;^) 

Hil and Traci Fall of 2000 

I'm BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I have been missing since this summer and my only excuse is that every time I would come to my blog and see my last entry on Hil.......I just couldn't write anything else. My heart just ached every time I saw it, my eyes filled with tears and I felt so much anger toward this awful beast. Then the other day, I came across a picture of us the first time we ever met face to face. The first picture Hilary ever let anyone take of her without her wig. And I smiled. I remembered how much I loved her and it brought a tear to my eye but the anger wasn't as strong as before. Then I knew I was healing. Slowly though the road was going, I was healing.

So, I am back....I can't promise how much I will get to post but I am back and I missed this.

I had a wonderful Christmas celebrating the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Watching my son learn the real meaning of Christmas, singing happy birthday to Jesus and of course enjoying his presents. I celebrated my 10 year wedding anniversary on New Year's Eve at the restaurant we had our wedding reception at. It was beautiful. We had a great meal with great friends and even had a chance to see the pianist from our reception play that night. We rang in the New Year with style and a bit too much champagne which took me a few days to get over ;^) not as young as I once was it seems...

Now, I am just getting ready to really start the new year. I have made my resolutions (ones I am sure will be easy to break unfortunately) but I am determined to aim high. So, here I sit ready to put my life down "on paper" again. Where to start is the problem:-)

Our surrogacy journey has come to a standstill unfortunately. We are getting ready to try to meet with my friend and her husband to see where we go from here. She has made a couple comments about how it has been hard going through all the hormone changes, hard on her marriage too. I would NEVER forgive myself if it affected her marriage!! So, we need to make some decisions soon. My heart is telling me to give it until the end of February, 2 more cycles maybe.... but we will see.

God has also put adoption heavy on my heart again even though it has never been too far from my mind through this whole process. I feel that we need to start pursuing that area even while we are finishing the surrogacy journey we are on. I would like to be prepared for whatever road God sees fit to direct us down. Not really sure where to start with that one but I am sure a few phone calls will help direct me.

My wonderful husband has given me the go ahead, as an anniversary present, to order bedroom furniture for our master bedroom!!! Wahoooo....I am so ready to have a real bed again ;^)

And, that brings me to today.... the first day of the rest of my life, right? Well, here we go..................